The Gate

I have failed

The gate of my shame is open before me

The doom of the world pouring forth from its darkness

But while I may have failed myself

And the hope of my people

I refuse to let this world suffer for it

I pull forth the sword of my greatest sorrow from within

And slash at the unleashed blackness

The doom of this world shrieks at the touch of my blade

Not able to bare the painful light

Step by bloody step I push the blackness back through the gate

Sensing its eventual loss the doom of this world turns its attention fully onto me

Rending me limb from limb... tearing the wings of creation from my body

Making no effort to defend myself I stoically push forward

Until the gate just recently opened is once again closed

My sword clatters to the ground while I collapse into a bloody heap

Death quickly creeping into my once Undying flesh

But as the once eternal light of creation fades from me

As I answer the sweet sirens call of oblivion

Fate interposes its ever enigmatic hand

In the unlikely tongue of a small canine spirit

Licking the blood from my shattered face

Offering something I thought was forever lost to me

The tiny ever flickering light of Hope

From my hands

Forever I have walked the earth

From my hands I spill out the eternal fate of the world

From my right hand spills forth chaos, death and destruction

Spreading the fires of change in all directions

From my left hand spills forth order, birth and renewal

Spreading the calm sense of stability in all directions

As I walk the earth there are those always who cry out to me

No! no more chaos, we need peace they plead as they reach out to stop my right hand

But my right hand does not waver

No! no more order, we need change they plead as they reach out to stop my left hand

But my left hand does not waver

Because forever I will walk the earth

The eternal fate of the world spilling out from my hands

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So which one do you curse?

Love and Blood

Here's a creepy little poem... maybe it's my Halloween poem or maybe I just want your blood.

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I love you so much

But you make love so hard

I have made so many sacrifices for you

I did not have to make them

But I did and I made them gladly

I made them because I love you

I still love you with all my heart

But I feel I must soon destroy you

Because you give me so little choice

So be warned my beloved

I come for you with teeth and claws bared

I come for your blood

I come because I love you so much

Remembering too much

Don't read this, seriously you will most likely find it to be dark and confusing. It doesn't have a happy ending. I wrote and posted this for a personal internal relief.

But who are we fooling, you are human so have a morbid curiosity and will read this anyhow...

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Want to be an old soul?

Want to remember clearly the birth and death of countless ages?

Let me give you just a taste

Imagine if you can hear the same words said again and again

Watching others going through the same pains and joys

Like a broken record endlessly repeating... *rathump.. rathump*

Now imagine a dozen spears and swords stabbing into your flesh

Feeling the coldness and weakness quickly taking the life from your body

And now imagine that this feels like the sweetest release

Because the pain and anguish within your heart

Far outweighs the greatest tortures this world can inflict

And you don't understand how this is possible

Because you are merely ten years old and in perfect health

But the pain and torment is very real and there

And yet you still lack the words to express any of it

For you are only thirteen years old

I am now thirty five and still lack the words to properly express

How it feels to see the bloody, mutilated and defiled body of your soul mate

Next to a half frozen stream, in a beautiful snow covered forest

This soul I can clearly remember loving lifetime after lifetime

Age after age...

A soul seeing such a sight, feeling such a sight

Will snap

A screaming wail of madness... of broken despair

Will raise from deep within

Causing one to throw himself at the spears and swords

Of those who have caused such torment

And seek the sweet release of death

So that he may once again be with his love...

Now imagine if after feeling all of this

Having to face the skeptical and confused gazes

Of those you try to express this to

Because none of this happened to you

In this life

Dreams

I dream

I dream of a day everyone can be different

I dream of a day no one suffers without reason

I dream of a day we each can look into our personal heart of hearts and feel nothing but love

I dream of a day we can look into each others heart of hearts and feel nothing but
love

I dream of a day we can disagree with each other with acceptance and understanding

I dream of a day that while we may not have all we want, we have all we need

I dream of a day we all no longer punish ourselves with guilt and instead love
ourselves with understanding

For we are all beautiful souls living in the darkness

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I dream the dreams of humanity.

The two become one

At your touch who I was breaths it's last

That ancient part of my soul having fulfilled its purpose gently falls into endless dreams of peace

The trap has sprung, the bait has been eagerly taken

We are reborn never to be the same again

We open our new born eyes and gaze on the graves of who we were

We kneel in respect saying our final goodbyes

As we turn away without a backward glance a new world opens up before us

No longer two broken halves but one harmonious whole

The world changes with our every step

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I wrote this months ago and forgot about it until now. There is a deep and long story behind this which I wrote about in the poem 'The Hope of Love' and several others I haven't posted yet. In fact I'd say this describes a defining aspect of my soul, which I feel the need to write about over and over, trying to get it properly expressed...

Ma'at

As some of you may have guessed I follow the old Kemetic faith, which is what the ancient egyptains followed (Kemetic is not what they called it actually, Kemet is what they called egypt, it translates roughly into black land). This wasn't really a choice of mine, I was called. The defining concept of the ancient egyptian belief could be summed up in the word, Ma'at. A few months back I wrote my interpretation of this concept and I feel like sharing it here.

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What is Ma'at?

Most places you look will tell you it's the ancient egyptian belief of order and truth, but that is actually a bit misleading. Not only doesn't the full meaning of that word really translate into english it doesn't really translate into modern western cultural thought. A closer translation of the idea of Ma'at is 'the way the world should be'. Now confusion and conflict probably fill your head, for there are countless ideas of 'the way the world should be', but that's really not true. The reality is that we all know 'the way the world should be' but we try to know that with the wrong part of ourselves. We try to know with our brains, with our logic, with our intellect... with our emotions.

While I'll be the first to tell you how useful those tools are they will never help you understand Ma'at. To understand Ma'at you have to use that, dusty part of yourself that you probably rarely look at or feed, your heart or soul as it's called in modern times. It's that scary thing deep within yourself that doesn't have any logic, reason or emotion, but instead just 'Knows'. It's that part of you that 'knows' when you're drinking too much during a party, that 'knows' who really is your friend and who isn't, the part of you that 'knows' what you truly need to live a happy and fulfilled life.

Deep down in our heart of hearts we all follow Ma'at. Be we black, white, purple, young, old, tattooed, pierced, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim we all want and need the same thing... to be full and happy in our heart of hearts.

When I see some greedy obscenely rich person who is hording more money, possessions and worldly power than they could ever possibly use in a dozen lifetimes I don't see an evil monster hell bent on world destruction, what I see is someone who isn't getting what they truly need. Their heart 'knows' that money and power isn't what they really need, but while their heart 'knows' they don't know their heart so all they feel is a deep unhappiness which they try desperately to fill with the only thing they will allow themselves to understand...

As long as the world is full of people who refuse to 'know' what their heart knows there will never be peace, there will always be war and there will always be suffering.

I hope this helps.

Equal Uniqueness - Thursday Think Tank

Someone is most likely better at something than you

Better than you can ever hope to be

No matter how hard you work

This person will probably excel far past you

And with less effort put forth

None of us are true equals

Except in our uniqueness

And you are truly unique

Nothing exactly like you has ever existed before

And never will again

For even if you will be reincarnated

And are born again

The new born you

Will not be exactly like you right now

But will again be something truly unique

Just like you

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This is less poetic and more thoughtful compared to my others works. I've written two other poems similar to this The Great Equalizer and Imperfect Universes but decided to write something new combining the two. I hope you enjoy, but mostly I hope it causes you to think and possibly see things from a different perspective.

The Journey of Hope

We walk the endless miles of the ever growing desert

Our homeland of a thousand generations lay in dust behind us

The countless dreams and graves of our ancestors a distant fading memory

But we walk the vast grim wasteland in hope

For even we have heard the legends of the fertile river valley just over the next dune

After years of the death of my people I once again take the lead

For I sense the end to our harrowing journey

Using the last of my might I divine our future home and point the way

We come upon fertile soil and lush vegetation surrounding a powerful and clear river

We are home and it is everything we dreamed

But one last obstacle lays before us

Our new home is not empty

We are silently greeted by a fierce warrior people

The one who leads them the most fierce of all

He is like I, but strong where I am weak

We are not warriors

We have no hope, no chance... but one

I walk forward to meet this one like I

My people tremble behind me, all their hopes lay on my shoulders

I stand face to face, eye to eye with this powerful silent one

I am weak, I am afraid but I step forward, fall to my knees and offer my throat

My last hope, our last hope

My people shriek in terror as the fierce one leaps upon me and closes his jaws around my offering biting down firmly

I await the expected pain and death but only a single drop of blood is shed from my throat

I look up into the eyes of the great warrior

Only then do I see the desperation in his eyes fading into relief

My people cheer as I take the offered hand and am pulled into his embrace

Clinging to my new ally tightly I sob into his white fur

I have not failed, we have not failed

We are home

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Sometimes we are at our bravest and strongest when we are at our weakest and most desperate hour...

The First Born

When the primeval egg of life first cracked open you sprung out

The most vigorous and dangerous of life's gifts to the world

The very elements of creation at your beck and call

Your beautiful flights flooded the ancient skies

Stretching from horizon to horizon

Fighting, playing and shaping the world beneath you

The world was so full of endless wonder when you flew the skies

And just as full of danger

But as the ages passed away one after the other

You passed away with them... one after the other

Where have you gone my magnificent dragons

The world misses your dangerous beauty

We are all so much smaller without you

In the attic

This is a departure from my standard style of writing. But I was in a lighthearted mood so I decided to try writing something different, and this was quite fun and enjoyable to create. Enjoy!

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He was an unremarkable man

He was born to an unremarkable family

Was of average height, weight and looks

Maintained an average GPA in school, didn't go to college

He worked his entire life 9 to 5 at the local steel mill, until he retired

He died an unremarkable death of a heart attack at the age of 72

He was not married, he didn't have children and none of his family could be found

So the state claimed his house and property

When the appraiser entered his house to estimate the value of the contents something remarkable occurred

The appraiser soon stumbled out of the unremarkable house with a look of madness in his eyes

All the man could say was 'in the attic' over and over

His colleagues who entered the attic soon after all exited the house in a similar changed state

The police were called to investigate but all who entered where never the same again

Quickly the FBI descended and quarantined the house but all who entered changed forever

As the government was debating on weather or not to destroy the house something even more remarkable began to happen

Riots started breaking out all over the nation, spiritual movements grew in intensity many people walking away from their jobs to join

Social movements quickly gained incredible strength and following creating swiftly growing changes in the fabric of society

Those who ruled trembled in fear as they tried to find the cause of the social unrest

Their investigators worked hard but were hampered by the seeming chaos

They eventually discovered that at the core of each movement was one of the individuals who had been in the attic

They who ruled moved quickly to destroy this unremarkable house

But they were far too late for the people of the nation moved as one and removed them from power

I have to let you go now

A thousand lives I have lived

A thousand times in your arms

A thousand times to taste your sweet kiss

You are not here with me right now

But I hold you as tight as I can

I hold you because I love you

I hold you because I need you

I hold you because I am afraid

I am afraid if I let go you will disappear

I am afraid I will have to live these lives alone

I am afraid that I will stumble and fall without you

But I hold you too tightly

And more for fear than love

I love you too much to let go

I love you too much to lose you

I love you too much to hold you this tightly

Because I love you so much

I have to let you go now

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The things we love the most we tend to hold so tightly we break them, for this reason we need to let them go... because we love them so much.

We Hunger

This one is quite different than most of my others, so be warned it is dark and feral. All my life I've had a deep love of wolves to the point where I now volunteer at a local wolf sanctuary that is there to take in usually abused wolves and wolf hybrids that have been abandoned by or taken from foolish people who think a wolf is a cool guard dog. A wolf is not a pet, love them but do not try to own them.

This is a tribute to the loving passionate wolves.

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We hunger

The prey is scented

We are alert

We are ready

We move and the many become one

We quicken, the wind from our passage flowing through our fur

We slow as we near the prey

She has not caught our scent yet

Keeping the wind in our noses we surround the prey

But just as the circle closes she catches our scent and is off

As one we race after her

The blood races through our veins

Our hearts quicken in time with each other

The prey stumbles and slows for her leg is lame

This is why we chose her

Quickly we catch up and surround her

Tightening the circle we nip and bite

Here and there weakening her

The sweet tangy scent of blood fills our noses

Blood flowing from many wounds she stumbles

The strongest of us tears at her throat and she falls

Quickly the sweet still living flesh and blood fills our hungry muzzles

We hunger no longer

For now

The Great Equalizer

We are not born equal

Life is not fair

Or just

In only one way are we all equal

In only one moment

Does the greatest and strongest of kings

Stand next to the most insignificant and weakest of beggars

As an equal in every way

And that is the moment in which I always see you

And will always love you

And will always be there to hold your hand

That is the moment of your death

The only moment we are ever truly ourselves

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The ancients adored Anubis over the entirety of the land of eqypt for the complete history of ancient egypt. Archeologist can't find a time when he wasn't adored, he literally goes back far before recorded history. Why is this so, it's not because he is cute, or powerful. But because he gives us eternal life, only in the moment we lay dying and our eternal friend smiles down at us and takes our hand are we ever equal.

My Brother

I love you my brother

But I also hate you

I can clearly remember the beauty in you

The creative energetic youth

Full to brimming with fun and excitement

I also can clearly remember the ugliness in you

The selfish manipulator

Hurting and destroying those around you for shits and giggles

You are gone now my brother

And I miss you

I feel a deep sadness my brother

I wish we could have been brothers

In more than blood

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Yes my friends I have a brother who is dead as well, but he died over a decade ago of  a drug overdose. My last memory of him is of the monster within him consuming him. To this day I'm still not fully sure how I feel about him.

Death and Fear

I am dead and I am afraid

I died alone and in great fear

I tried hard to believe in things after death but I was confused and distracted by life

I saw the light and was drawn towards it like a moth to a flame

Now I stand on the endless vista of life after death and am confused

I see so many possibilities, so many paths before me

Fear creeps into my spirit once again

Where am I supposed to go, am I going to heaven, am I going to hell

But I could never bring myself to truly believe in either

I am a lost soul, an orphan alone and afraid

Something approaches me from the horizon of unending possibilities

He is great, powerful and he carries the blackness of death

But with each step he takes my fear and loneliness fades bit by bit

He's strange, black and canine but I feel growing peace and happiness

As he smiles warmly and takes my hand I know who he is, Anpu and he is my friend

The last of my fear and confusion vanish with his touch

I feel confident, I feel safe

I am no longer lost or an orphan

With his help and limitless patience I will find my path

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Anpu is the ancient egyptain name for Anubis (which is the greek name for him). One of his most loved duties is being the Patron of Lost Souls and Orphans.

The Hope of Love

For an eternity I flew among the stars

Without a thought

Without a care

Alone but free

But it took just the merest hint

Just the smallest chance

It took just the hope of love

To bring me down from my eternal freedom

To this harsh reality of limits

For a billion years I walked this earth

Every year more painful than the last

Every month another part of myself died

Every day of my fruitless search my hope withered

Until the last year

Of the last month

Of the last day

Of the very last hour

I lie broken on the shattered precipice of eternal death

But as the last of my hope faded from my heart

It took just one kiss from you

To transform an eternity of pain

Into an eternity of love

My Eternal Sister the Video - yes she was always that cheerful

My Eternal Sister

I was alone, afraid and in great pain

But you were there to greet me

With your cheerful smile

With your warm embrace

And the pain lifted

I was always the dark and brooding soul

And would inevitably sink back into my depths

But always your brightness and energetic ways

Would pull me back into the light

And bring a too rare smile to my face

A laugh to my throat

You have left again

On your endless journey of joy and happy delight

But I know you my eternal sister

I know that when I have again sunk too deeply into my brooding depths

You will once again cheerfully dance into my life

To bring back my smile

And hear my laugh

I will remember and love you forever

My eternal sister

Watching

Always I have watched you

When you were born I was there

A happy father proud of his new born children

Young, beautiful and full of such limitless promise

I loved you so much then... I still do

I laughed in joy as you took your first faltering steps

My pride and love growing

I watched with great concern each time you fell and broke your young bones

But each time I was there to dry your tears and help you to your feet once again

Change brings great pain but also equal growth and strength

I watched in growing awe as you began to master your environment

I would have preferred for you to master yourself first

But children often grow in unexpected ways

So I waited patiently always there to help if asked

As time passed my concern grew

The outside world was the easier aspect of reality to master

When would you start to master your inner selves

The lack of attention to the other halves of yourselves is poisoning you

Why do you fear it so

Why do you so rarely ask for help

Why do you not accept help when it is given

This cannot go on for the poison from your hearts is now spilling into the outer world

I cannot fix your problems only you can

But always I will love you

Always I will help you

Always I will watch you

Imperfect Universes

We all have a universe within ourselves

Something unique

Something that has never existed before

Or ever will again

Something that the outer world will never truly know

And possibly something we ourselves will never truly know

Every birth brings this ever changing universe into being

And every death brings one to an end

Love your unique universe

For it's perfect imperfection

Looking Far

The moment I was born my search began

In the beginning I did not know what I looked for

But still I searched

For I was not complete without this mystery

This nameless something

So I search

I have found many treasures over the years

I have found knowledge

I have found wisdom

I have found strength

I have found power

I have found many who love me

I have found many whom I love

But still my restless search continues

For I have not found my greatest treasure of all

I have not found what I now know I have been Looking Far for

I have not found you

Eyes of the past - Eyes of the future

I look deep within your eyes

And I see the vastness of time stretching eternally into the past

I am overwhelmed

I am awed

I am humbled

Your gaze pierces the deepest recesses of my being

I feel the weight of all that has come before me

I feel all the joys of everything that has come before me

I feel all the sacrifices of everything that has come before me

I feel the heavy weight of responsibility

You look deep within my eyes

And you see the vastness of time stretching eternally into the future

You are sad

You are hopeful

You are humbled

My gaze pierces the deepest recesses of your being

You feel the weight of all that will come after you

You wonder if you have done enough

You wonder if the foundation you have built is firm enough

You feel a quiet hope and joy

You feel the lightening of the spirit that comes with death

We look deep into each others eyes

And we are the same

The Meaning of Death

You will die

No matter what you say

No matter what you do

No matter who you are

Nothing escapes this destiny

Be you a forgotten city that vanishes into the ever shifting sands of the Sahara

Be you the ancient and powerful Aztec civilization burned and destroyed by invaders

Be you the once vast and mighty Appalachian mountains slowly being eroded down to your foothills

Be you the once active and lively planet Mars now as silent and still as a grave

Be you the ever lasting Sun that will one day die in a spectacular nova

Be you the universe itself that will one day contract once again into the infinitely tiny egg of the beginning

You will die

So why try

Why learn and grow

Because right now you are alive

Day 21

They gave me 20 days to live

On day 1 I was too shocked to feel

On day 2 I argued with the doctors

On day 3 my mate and I sobbed in each others arms

On days 4 through 11 I accepted the endless condolences

On day 12 I refused all visitors to brood

On day 13 I felt death creeping slowly into my soul

On day 14 I felt my body following the will of my soul

On day 15 I let my mate visit again

On day 16 we made passionate love to the disapproving frowns of the doctors

On day 17 I allowed all visitors back

On day 18 I fell into a desperate rage and chased all out but my mate

On day 19 deep fear entered into my soul... I wasn't ready to die

On day 20 I accepted my fate and went to bed at peace

On day 21 I woke to the realization that we were all fools and walked out of the hospital arm in arm with my mate